In Loving Memory
Has it been exactly one week from 10th of July?
That horrible horrible day.
Words cannot fully express what I'm feeling now
Its still so very surreal
At times I feel my brain is frozen
But I'll try to get it down.
I remember first meeting you in choir,
we were only in primary 3.
despite your tender age
you played the piano with flair
and the teacher made you our official pianist
Yet you remain accomodating and humble
one of the musicals we worked together was Oliver!
and then there were the lovely sing-alongs from the Sound of Music
We were classmates in primary 5 and 6
Streaming brought us together, along with the best from our level
Looking back, I am so honoured to be part of that class because
everyone was smart, talented and funny
we were supposed to be outstanding in chinese
and we had such wonderful, kind teachers
remember the feeling we had after PSLE?
"like birds flying out of the cage"
we had to decide which school we wanted to go
and I didn't know that we opted for the same
teacher made us write a tribute to one good friend
I wrote mine to S because she was my closest friend
I recieved one from S, a few others and one from you
and it mattered because I considered you as a good friend too
I think fate, if there's anything such as it, brought us together.
Secondary 1 came and a few of us went to St Nicks
my decision to change class resulted in us being in the same class
and it was to lead to four years of being classmates
four years that made a difference to my life
four years of joy, hurt, laughter and tears
four years of gritty childishness, growing up pains and glowing aspirations
I don't think anything can beat what we went through
Joining the same eca for the same crazy reasons
burning the midnight oil on fridays just to see our reflections on our boots
toiling in the sun every saturday, getting screamed at, marching til our toes hurt and blisters sprout, running around like mad people, facing the pressure and politics, breaking down in the classroom under the watchful gaze of everyone, recieving the sort of satisfaction of hard work being paid off and experience learnt, finally getting the A we so deserved
Classrooms were another thing,
sometimes we sat together, sometimes we did not
all those times we supported each other
through lessons, homework and exams
calling each other in the midst of the night to give encouragement
in my heart always knowing that you were such an excellent student with equally stellar grades
I think I must have spent most of my recess time with you
contemplating and discussing which stall to eat from even before the bell rang
we practically went home together most of the times too
and I think these are one of the most unforgettable memories I have of us
talking when we walk out of school to the bus-stop
talking when we wait for the bus
talking when we take the same bus - 135..how can I forget?
that malfunctioning red seat that made us bounce like babies
and laugh so uncontrollably til we had tears in our eyes
Come to think of it J,
I think we had some of the funniest times together
I know you would agree
we may not be jokers in nature but put us together
something just goes off, I think its called chemistry
we can laugh at the silliest things
yet talk about anything in the world
we love exchanging knowledge
we helped each other in our work
I wonder if you knew that you made me a more enlightened person?
The most important thing was that I felt comfortable with you
We did alot of things together, especially sports
table-tennis, badminton, netball, running, canoeing
we went to camps together
faced strange, awkward and nervous situations
but the thing was, with you around I wasn't scared
Things changed after Sec 4,
most of it external circumstances and the paths we chose
there was JC, there was university and then there was work
though we didn't spend as much time as we did in previously
there were still the phone conversations. the meetups and the snail mails
I guess one thing that really stood in our way was the kind of understanding lacking,
in knowing what is exactly going in each of our lives
You were willing to tell me most things, but not everything
I didn't tell you everything
we had our reasons, to think of it,
it was probably our nature
and the fact that we thought our individual burdens
were too heavy for each other to bear
I can think about our misses
but whats important is that
even through the wear and tear of the years
those beautiful memories and dreadful experiences
we still considered each other to be an important part of our lives
This fact will never change,
not before, not now and not in the future
all these memories and recollections of you (many more than recorded here)
some still vivid and most always kept in the safebox in my head
despite the years. despite the pain. despite the memory loss.
I write this because I'm proud to have you as a friend
and this is something I don't have for just anyone
I wonder if you truly knew the extent of that?
Not satisfied with just a grade 8 piano, you took up the violin
using the money you earned from part-time jobs
You were always the hard worker,
you knew what you had to do and you gave your best
whether it was studies or work or your family
You had the ability to make people laugh
and the pity is how many people actually got to know that?
Your sincerity is geunine and I know deep down,
You are a kind person, who didn't deserve all those odds
I remember the times we went to the old folks home
trying to unravel the mystery of that unfortunate old lady
I think we had lots of adventures together
You tried to be a filial daughter, a good friend
You are a good person.
I always wished the best for you,
hoping one day things will turn around
I wished you could have that good life we talked about
I really thought it would happen.
I really really was looking forward to it.
But now you are gone,
leaving me to pick up the missing pieces.
I wish there was something that I could have done to make a difference
the hundreds and hundreds of questions pricking and prodding
waiting for the answers that will never be answered
The immediate shock, the lingering heartache and the perpetual void
The long road ahead I still have to traverse - without you.
You wrote me a letter on my birthday, you said I was your best friend
thank you for treating me as your friend
For accepting my flaws and for overlooking my shortcomings as a friend
Thank you for opening your heart
for trusting in me enough to confide in me
As I've told you in our last conversation,
I was happy to be there as a friend
you allowed me to be one.
There are so many things I want to say
its exhausive as of now
but now, I just wish
that the peace you so patiently, fervently, desperately seeked
has been acquainted with you
and my dear friend, I consider you to be someone really special
this fact will never change,
not before, not now and not in the future.
J, you will never ever be forgotten
rest in peace...
